i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
