Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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