she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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