Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
