Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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