I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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