Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
