Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
