I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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