it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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