I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
