i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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