Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
