I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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