The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
