i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
