If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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