I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
