Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
