highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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