I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
