the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
