just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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