mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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