When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You need Xanax blowdarts
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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