By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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