Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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