Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
His nipple licking is glorious
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