My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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