Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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