i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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