Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Panties = found
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
