I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
