Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
