What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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