On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
barbara walters just said penis...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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