you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
