woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
