You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I think I just sharted jello shots
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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