hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
