my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
