Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
