I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
