My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
