The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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