please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
