jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
