I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
