just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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