So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
