dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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