The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
