Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
