I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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