I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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