The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
