I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
