I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Randomize
