well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize