My sheets look like a crime scene.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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