There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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