I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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