i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
